What's the best one man?

That is a great question. I don't believe i have seen that posting before. I, too, am looking for the best one-man, but I think Kai Bartlett already owns the best one, at least here on Maui. His must be the best because he wins all the races. If he ever sells it, I will be first in line!!!

Have fun and kicbac!

#1 Sun, 01/14/2007 - 7:58am

obviously the saving of bandwidth idea fell on deaf ears. you guys are such a riot.

#2 Sun, 01/14/2007 - 3:52pm

Hey did you know Kai has a specially made boat just for himself? He made several tweaks to his personal boat that has made it much faster. It's also about 3 to 4 pounds lighter than his production boat. If he sells it I'm first in line.

JEAH!

poopie

#3 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 9:18am

No way poop-head. I already called it. Everyone knows that Pegasuses (Pegasusi?) are the fastest, most bestest OC-1s in the world.

Loving you, GOTO!

#4 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 11:40am

GOTO, Pegasusi are the best boat especially when they are supped up. I have heard that Kai's personal boat is 5 -10% faster than the productions pegasusis. I got dibs baby.

#5 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 12:58pm

Hey Poops,

Maybe you better take another look at my avatar. That's what you'll be seeing at if you try and snake my boat... I'll even be wearing the tie and everything.

And you forgot some zero's - Kai's personal boat is actually 500 - 1000% faster than EVERY OTHER BOAT IN THE WORLD. That's why da buggah is sooo ono.

Ey brah, no cuts! G.

#6 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:00pm

I really hate how you guys try to confuse novice paddlers. We were all new once, so I am going to enlighten the new paddlers.

The best canoe ever was the "Sniper" Most of the top paddlers have one, but never use them for fear of them getting stolen or a secret mold being made from the hull. They also don't like to talk about it much, because it is a secret training tool. The top paddlers during special times go to a sacred paddling place with their Snipers-like the cliffs of Puna on the Big Island. Have you ever shown up to a race and said "Where are all of the top guys?" Now you know where they were.

Snipers are very hard to find. The builder only made 50 of them for special friends and top paddlers between 1993-1996. Lucky for everyone I recently was able to get one. What I had to do was get an ama from one top paddler and the hull from another. I promised both of them that I would never race against them with the Sniper and never tell who I got the pieces from. I had a super fast rudder made from Tahiti. This boat was way too fast to keep for myself, so luckily for all novice and wanna-be paddlers, I am going into business.

I approached NASA for the most hi-tech material and then remembered that a lot of their stuff breaks, so I went to the best manufactuer-Apple-I-Pod. I am making the Sniper out of the same material that I-Pods are made of a combination of plastic, fiberglass. It really doesn't matter what it is made of it is a "SNIPER!" It also comes in cool colors. Remember I-pods don't break and Snipers don't break.

Just send me $1000 dollars, and I will have you a Sniper in about 2 weeks I promise. I am crating it up right now.

Also one free training tip-if you are novice paddler and can't get a Sniper-I learned this trick from super, fast top paddlers from Australia-rub Cytomax Crystals directly onto your body. It absorbs faster.

*Disclaimer-If you believe any of this, see a doctor immediately

#7 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:13pm

From my recollection the dude in your avatar is beating a printer. Real manly. I ain't no printer mannnnn.

Anyway that boat is MINE. If not I'll sic jc_9 all over you beeehind.

#8 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:17pm

Whatevers...

I'm getting me a SNIPER! Piece out, biotches.

#9 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:25pm

Hey whatever happened to snipers? I remember they were real popular for a while years back.

#10 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:47pm

probably the same thing that happened to allt he gators arrows mantras and so on so forth...kinda hard to compete against the new boats...i wanna know what the next boats gonna be...

#11 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 2:59pm

hah...i forgot the sniper!

i actually had the privelage of paddling one. problem is, I don't remember anything about it since I was going so fast i blacked out from all the extra G's generated in a tight turn. Use the sniper with caution! They are dangerous for the inexperienced...if you can even get your hands on one.

#12 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 3:03pm

Kona J wrote ..... one free training tip-if you are novice paddler and canâ€™t get a Sniper-I learned this trick from super, fast top paddlers from Australia-rub Cytomax Crystals directly onto your body. It absorbs faster.

Actually Kona J it was "Vegemite" not Cytomax and you coat your goolies in it for maximum absorbtion. Side effect is you can't walk the street without every dog shoving his nose in your groin. Haha.

Rambo

#13 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 3:31pm

Rambo,

That's what I love about Australian Paddlers. They like to take risks. They will take the 5% chance for danger and doom with the 5% chance for all out big fun. I love watching and seeing reports from Hamilton Cup. I imagine the steering and race instructions go like this "There is a 5% chance that your canoe will be smashed, you will get injured and we have no idea which way the current is ripping." 100% of the Australian crews go "Right On. Those are good odds ! Let's go!" I view the Vegemite on the "goolies?" as the same risk factor. 5% chance dog will chew off your *** vs. the "Power" that Vegemite will give you.

Keep up the good work with the Hamilton Cup. Everyone I know from Hawaii and California has great respect for your hospitatilty and paddlers.

#14 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 4:26pm

Mmmmm, goolies. Delicious, delicious goolies.

...what's a goolie?

#15 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 5:40pm

I heard applying a vick's vapo-rub/tabasco sauce poultice to the "goolies" has a similar effect on bodily cytomax production. That guy Shawn Merriman from the Chargers told me that after he did the "lights out" dance following a brutal sack of Karel Jr. and Tom Brady on a Sniper oc-2. Only a habitual paddler like Brady has the shoulder strength to throw those deep out routes effectively. One time I beat Kareem Abdul-Jabaar and Muhamaad Ali in one man time trial to the second rock pile and back, but they were only like 14 years old at the time.

#16 Wed, 01/17/2007 - 5:40pm

I recommend removing the ama and glueing a second blade to the paddle handle.

#17 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 3:35am

Hey goolies are good. You know whats better than goolies? Goolies coated with veggiemite/tobasco/vicks/WAsaBI!

MMMM mmm finger lickin good.
JEAH
pooopie

#18 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 9:03am

Jc9_0 I remember that day when you passed out, how can I forget, I had to give you mouth to mouth....

JEAH
pooopoooohead

#19 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 9:05am

STEP AWAY FROM THE VEGEMITE.

http://www.uploadfile.info/uploads/8456da10ee.jpg

#20 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 10:28am

wow...sure seems to be working for that guy...good thing theres none of rambo's aforementioned vegemite attracted dogs around...

#21 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 2:51pm

What you can't see in the picture,just out outside the frame, is a Sniper. That has to be the only possible explanation. A Sniper picked him off. How do I know this, you say? Well it is plainly obvious, everyone knose that no person weould ever leave behind a kanus filled with goolie juice. How do I know the canoe has goolie juice? Well I'm glad you asked. If you just look at the picture again you will see the patterns on the knose of the kanus which are indicative of many years lovely, caringly applied servings of goolie glop.

So yes the SNIPER got him.

The only other possible reason for ditching a kanus full of vegemite/tabasco/vicks/goldbond/wasabi goolie glop is an animal attack. mmmmhmmmm, I'm talking about Chittlins here. They're crazy little pack hunters, and when they smell the above mentioned juice, they go mad for it. So perhaps the paddler shown is trying to get away from his kanus before it is devoured by a raving pack of rabid Chittlins.

Damn, Autralia IS cool. They've given us the word GOOLIE.

GOOLIE!, OK i'm done...

#22 Thu, 01/18/2007 - 7:50pm

I thought the red kanu WAS a Sniper? Look where the tip of the bow is positioned, a direct hit. And by the way, what's a "kanu"? Is that something like "raw skipjack tuna salad"? Raw skipjack tuna salad and beer makes a great appetizer after a good kanu paddle, don't you think?

#23 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 5:09am

Damn, I've run out of wise ass things to say. I'm outties

Poopoobutt

#24 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 7:40am

Pegasis if you wheigh under 170 or Polaris if over 170.

#25 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 9:18am

What about the fuze and fusion?

#26 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 10:43am

Back to the glorious Sniper canoe-

First of all that pick on the wave was not a Sniper, because Snipers track perfectly in the surf and would never huli.

These two pictures prove everything we know in our heart.

http://holoholo.org/canunews/puni0413.html
http://www.canadianoutrigger.com/picpopup.cfm?CurrentRow=9

First picture shows top paddlers eyeing the Sniper like a fine work of art. They have to have it.

This next picture is a perfect example of how careful the top paddlers are with the Sniper.

Top California and Canadian paddlers go to secret camp in woods to use this Sniper. It is the only one in Northern America. They disguise themselves and paddle in snow. The large chain on boat serves two purposes 1) As I mentioned before theft 2) Keep canoe from taking off at warp speed. I once saw Molokai winning paddler paddle a Sniper on a gravel road at 8 MPH.

Back to everyone's favorite topic-goolies-

For all of you in Hawaii-

Goolies=Allas

That should clear it up.

If you grew in Hawaii and were in 4th or 5th grade you probably heard this terrifying statement during recess-

"Shut Up! Befo I karang your allas!"

Also Vick's Vapor Rub-Weak! go for the "Tiger Balm"

#27 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 11:21am

Damn I wish I had a Sniper. Frick.

Hey KonaJ, don't forget to mention boto. And for some of you guys out there botette.

JEAH
POOOOpo

#28 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 11:51am

KonaJ, seriously, that was like one of the funniest post I have yet seen on ocpaddler. That second picture is classic.

Ppp

#29 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 11:53am

tiger balm you say? I say ATOMIC tiger balm. Yes it does exist, but it causes insanity in large amounts. This being due to the intense burning. So use sparingly, especially on the goolies. Oddly enough, it seems to repel Chitlins. Go figure...

in case you are wondering what a chitlin is i have linked to some photo's. unfortunately due to over harvesting they are rarely seen alive nowadays. I could only find pictures of cooked or packaged chitlins. see below
http://pointssouth.net/images/CHITLINS3.jpg
http://www.jimmyvivino.com/images/CDsJerry/Chitlins.jpg
and finally, an artist's rendering of a Ravenous Chitlin
http://www.blindchitlinkahunas.com/Assets/Images/Kahuna%20Live%20CD%20-%...

#30 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 12:39pm

hey stop making fun of my cooking...and be grateful i trapped all those chitlins so that they can no longer attack you,

#31 Fri, 01/19/2007 - 3:38pm