Paddling Personality Profile


We all know that there are different types of paddlers out there. We all have a different quirk or style, and we see those styles in other paddlers. I have developed a profile for each of the outrigger paddling types. This is true for males or females. You can of course add to it or comment where you like. Who are you?

PROFILE-The Professor also known as the Fixer, or Captain Who Cares!

Description-The professor is a common paddling personality. The professor often has about 6 paddles for different conditions. The have the newest gel or supplement and often are on-line researching paddling stuff you really don't care about. They will say crazy things like-, 'In the Amazons, the stroke rate is 130! The professor loves to talk the ears off of Novice paddlers. They often confuse the novice paddler into thinking that they (the professor) are a great paddlers who know everything. The also like to propose wacky pre-race diets like poi, mixed with oatmeal with 8 eggs whites. However, the Professor really makes their mark in the world of secret training methods. Here is a common quote from the professor-I have called all of my friends at the top clubs and got their training schedule and methods-I put it all together and we should do' They tend to always know what we should do. They also have research to back up anything they might propose. I love when the professor sets up the BEST Oc-1 Time trial course to really determine the top crew and then gets stomped. They immediately blame their diet, the starter, bad Gatorade, the clock...etc., etc. etc. There are always a few professors in a club

PROFILEThe Psycho- also known as Meltdown, Snap!, or The I in team

Description-This is a very dangerous paddling profile. Sometimes they are easy to spot. Sometimes they are not. However, once you are in a tight, tough race, you will know if you have a psycho in your crew. The progression of a psycho starts like this. Usually they have pissed of everyone in their old club and then decide to bless yours. They might change their name or use middle name. They are frequently good paddlers-just not good teammates. Like I said before they are chameleons. To spot one you have to look for the EXTREMES. Examples-They are helpful to the extreme. Lets say you are planning a club work day on the boats. Everyone is to start working on the boats at 8:00 AM. The psycho might show up at 3:00 AM and do all of the work on his/her own. Also instead of having 2 beers after practice they might have 22. They also have the belief that they can pull the entire boat by themselves. This is the nexus of their rage. If a boat passes them in a race, they take it a personal challenge/ affront, and since they are strong enough to pull a boat by themselves-it must be someone elses fault-a team mates.-who isnt giving enough. The good points of Pycho are that if you ever get in a fight, they are good to have around. Also they are fun to tease and make snap. The psycho will eventually leave but don't worry another one will show up.

PROFILE-âThe Freak The Natural-Lats

Description- Please realize that the Freak is a Novice. The freak is the athlete that is perfect for paddling and has just started. For example you finally talk the super athlete at the gym or tri-athlete into getting in the canoe. They have 5% (8% for women) body fat, huge lats, nice skinny legs, and VO2 Max through the roof. The also have perfect technique without much practice. To keep the Freak in your club you have to do many things. Always tell the freak they really arent that good. This keeps them motivated and from thinking they are special and jumping to another club. Also give them the slowest boat (without telling them) for time trials. Rig ama heavy and give huge rudder. During race, you have to hide them-cover them up don't let other clubs know you have a freak, Don't let freak talk to other freaks, and never, ever let a freak talk to a Pro. The Pro could convince the freak they can become a pro if they leave your club. I'll get to pro later. The key to developing a good team is to have a freak recruit other freaks and then your club will flourish.

PROFILE-The Pro, Smooth, Sponsored

Description-I really don't need to describe the pro too much. They can be great leaders but they can be finicky as well. Pros like to paddle with Pros. Pros are truly brilliant paddlers, and I give them much respect. They have laser like focus and commitment. I don't know how some of them have kids. They can instantly tell what is wrong with your technique and many times will tell you-even if you didn't ask. Always make friends with pros. They know the water, tides, surf and you might even get a free T-shirt every once in a while.

PROFILE-The Soul Jah-also know as Mystic Paddler, or Toke

Description-The Soul Jah paddler gets along with everyone. They are fun, laid back. Many times they are ex-surfers. They are a blast to be with unless you want to win a race. Sometimes they are great steersman and have a mystic connection with the water. The can be good strokers, since they have a good rhythm. They can be frustrating as well. They have trouble with-showing up on time, chasing Dolphins for fun in middle of a race, losing stuff, and stealing weed. My favorite quote from the Soul Jah paddler is There should be like a Molokai Hoe in Jamaica. That would be sweet. Also if you have to borrow their paddle it could be Sticky

PROFILE-The Talker, Mouth, Canoe Cop

Description-The talker is different from the professor. The talker comes out mainly during the race. You can start to tell a talker when the volunteer to call huts and bumps. It then progresses from there. It is most annoying when they are not the steersman. They now think they have permission to tell you everything about the boat, the race, and what they are doing every second of the race. For example-I am going to bail now for 20 seconds. What??? Seat 2 is your left shoulder cramping? When is the last time you hydrated? Next change have a grape soda Huh??? Lets hit it hard for three minutes Two second later ease off don't fight this current Shut Up. (Reader-Are you having flashbacks yet?) ½ way into a race they will recap the whole race for you-"Alright 'Hut' we had a good start! Nice job! We ran good for 3 miles. Now let's turn it on. My lips are chapped because Hut I forgot chap stick. Don't worry I have it covered.-˜Bump' I'm going to take a drink, if you don't hear me for 1 minute it is.. SHUT THE F--- UP. I think you got the picture.

Who are you? Have fun with this. I will add more later. Also you could be a combination of some of these profiles. I know I am.

ALOHA-Keep paddling.

Submitted by Kona J on Mon, 02/05/2007 - 7:52pm

haha friggen awesome profiles. it pretty much sums up everyone in my crew haha. for myself i think im a mixture "the professor",'the psycho" and the "talker", always trying to find the "ultimate" energy source, switch canoe clubs cause the reason we're losing cannot possibly be because of me(must be everyone else in the club who paddles better than me and has huge muscles haha jk) and talking about every race, paddling product, other info etc every minute of the day...trying to sound like "the pro". haha my inputs are - "the buff guy" the guy who has the hugest muscles in the crew and usually teases others by saying "whoa u put a shirt on" or "for the safety of others as well as yourself, please holster your guns" (you know who you are).

#1 Mon, 02/05/2007 - 8:28pm

don't forget the poor old S.O.B. The guy that says things like I'd still be paddling if it wasn't for my shoulder...or if I hadn't blown out my back. I'd be so fast if I hadn't had that hernia 4 years ago.

I am that guy. Seriously...

#2 Mon, 02/05/2007 - 10:45pm

how about "the complainer" ...

Description- The complainer is less common but you only need one per boat The steers person calls for more power and the complainer immediately gives 10 reasons why more power is the wrong call:
"we always lose technique when we power up" , "we just did a power set", "we still have over half the practice left and i'm getting tired", "who does she think she is telling us what to do", "its raining ahead and we will get there faster if we power up", "why do we power up when we can power down?", "this isn't helping us at all", "i'm cold."

with a large club the complainer has a huge impact when trying to seat the boats before practice: "Didn't we do mixed boats last time?", "why are all the good paddlers in that other boat?", "why do we have the slow boat?", "this boat is more tippy then that boat, shouldn't the guys take the tippy boat?", "i'm not paddling in a boat without a cover", "we always paddle in the open boat and the waves splash me."

Uhg! Shut up already ... :0

#3 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 6:17am

thanks, KonaJ you made my morning ....... these profiles are hilarious. Has anyone ever seen .... The Evolution of a Paddler ..... it was around a few years ago. If anyone has a link please post.

How about the Politically Correct Paddler ......... these guys always emphasise that paddling and racing is really about having fun. They suggest time trialing might cause too much disscension in the club and instead, decide to enter mixed teams in races according to who is friends with who. Their teams always end up finishing near the back.Canadian clubs are full of these paddlers. Sometimes they wear goofy hats to keep everyones spirits up. In his mind, every race he enters he wins ...... Because the team who has the most fun ..... always wins!

#4 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:38am

I got a couple
"novice sydrome paddler" the guy thats a second year paddler and thinks he's an expert because he's paddled a year. He is god's gift to the world and even though he's the slowest in everytime trial he'll find some excuse to make himself feel better. Oh and he knows more than the coach, wayyy more.

"cable guy paddler" the guy that shows up everywhere. Especially when there's food or beer around he just shows up and helps himself. He's at all the practices, races, events and no one know anything about him.

"old geezer paddler" (every club has one) the old guy that doesn't race cause he's ancient but is always at practice. You feel bad for him so you stick him in the boat to steer or something and no one wants to be in his boat. And its in the back of everyone's mind "is this guy gonna keel over or what?"

POOPS baby POOps

#5 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 8:05am

Jc09 I hear you man. I'd be winning molokai if I hadn't hurt my back.

#6 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 8:10am

How about the Luddite:
fears new technology, doesn't want to buy his own paddle so he keeps paddling with the 10 lbs.novice paddle. Will tell you that crosstraining is bad for your back but will not tell you what's better because nobody is listening to him anyways. Thinks surfing is the best and only way to crosstraining for paddling. Would love to live in a cave, shear some sheep, spin the wool and knit his own swim trunks to maintain dexterity. Will rather sleep on the porch then pitch in for lodging on far away races.

#7 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 8:29am

"The Heretic" - subtly and quietly creates division in the club by badmouthing the coaches or leaders. Has just enough influence to corrode confidence and damper enthusiasm. "told you so..." is his/her mantra. Cheerful when approached in public. Danger scale: 5 out of 10.

"The Privileged Few" a.k.a. - "lucky f***ers" - paddlers with family or mysterious financial resources who have the capacity to paddle 15 hours a week including organizing 10am paddles midweek. Jobs, family, or other normal responsibilities seem not apply. They struggle to understand why everyone can't paddle Tuesday at 2:00pm. Danger scale: 1 out of 10. Irritant scale: 7 out of 10.

#8 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 8:59am

"The Piss You Off Freak" Similar to the "freak, natural, lats" except he drinks like a fish, eats anything, and occasionally smokes. He never cross trains and yet he'll kick your ass in anything. He's the guy that will decide to run the marathon 2 days before and run under 5 hours. Usually you're very good at recognizing him from his back because he's always in front of you. We hate this guy.

#9 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 9:29am

"The Fireman" -rare breed recognized as being exactly 1/2 "Privileged Few" and 1/2 "Piss You Off Freak". Oftentimes will purposely miss races/team events because more than one of his "girlfriends" is showing up at same location. Knows how to make some good grinds.

#10 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 10:06am

"Inspector Gadget" a.k.a. "The Poser" - Believes his mediocre performance has a financial solution. No new gadget, paddle or one-man goes unpurchased. This speciman rarely trains, but spends hours each week trying to buy speed. Covets his equipment in an unnatural way.

  1. Third one-man in four years, with custom cover - check
  2. Quiver of experimental, unproven 9 oz. paddles - check
  3. $200 Revos - check
  4. Latest breathable performance clothing - check
  5. Complete yakima roofing system with matching Chevy Tahoe - check
  6. Top-of-the-line hydration pack with supplemental performance gels - check
  7. $100 scuba booties - check
  8. Total time on water this week - 80 minutes.

Watching this speciman wash his kanu is borderline pornographic and slightly uncomfortable.
Danger Scale: 3 out of 10. Creepiness Scale: 9 out of 10.

#11 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 10:58am

How about the " loser " profile. This is the guy who never puts in any training ( but says he does, just that he went earlier ) and when crews are put together for practice that his crew never wins. But, as soon as changes take place ( take out " loser " and put him elsewhere ) the crew that " loser " goes to...loses. And the crew that
" loser " was steering that lost earlier, just won. No matter were " loser " goes to, that crew always seems to lose. Then when practice is over, " loser " tries to put blame on those who he was steering.

How about the same " loser " at regatta races. Week 1, " loser's " crew barely wins their race, but " loser is stoked and feels that he was the reason why they won. Week 3, coach decides to take out " loser " because "loser" is not cutting it. Put's in a good paddler to repalce " loser " and the results are HUGE. Win by 10 seconds. " Loser " at this time is making remarks such as, " look at the otha crews, they neva put the best guys inside, " and they only could win by 10 seconds ", " Sh%t, they lucky the won. "

That's " LOSER "

#12 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 1:45pm

Hey Flyama, sounds like the loser personality is a bit personal to you? Seems like you might have a small issue with that person?

Goto: the "fireman profile" is so rare it hasn't been observed in like 34 years. Last documented person of that profile was back in 1973. His name was Wilfred Bojangles.


#13 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 2:52pm

goto, the fireman sounds a bit autobiographical there...

the sailing canoe will be waithing for you when you get here!

#14 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 3:37pm

Ooooh! Ooooooh! How's about this one.

PROFILE: "THE LOVER" aka "Good Paddler but Crappy Boyfriend/Husband-Girlfriend/Wife" aka "Is he/she gay?"

Description- This profile is beyond dangerous. "The Lover" begs the question(s) "is he/she cheating on me?" "can anyone really LOVE paddling this much?" You may know this type or know someone like this. You plan a date with your significant other or family and reservations are set up or you cooked the most awesome awesomeness dinner. Then you get THE phone call. The phone call goes something like this.
Ring Ring
You: Hey Babe, I miss you, thinking about you, I love you..."
Her: Oh no, what is it! Don't tell me you're paddling today! Cuz you just paddled this morning! You paddled last night and didn't come home till 9!
You: I want to be there for you really I do but THE BOYZ are doing a downhill run today. The wind just shifted to North West North and if we don't get out there today it will be an uphill battle. Plus "The Pro" will be there and he'll teach us all kine stuff!
Her: But I just cooked dinner for us!
You: Well about that- please leave it in the micro for me. Oh and don't wait up for me cause we're going to so and sos hous after to drink. Gotta Run!
Her: But- (dial tone)

You know this type. Always with THE BOYZ always working out always training everyday 24/7/365. They are in shape they may even pass some nutrition tips to you like "The professor said for me to be at peak performance I have to have a 60/40 ratio of carbs and protein with emphasis on the right type of protein." Or fitness advice such as "you should get out of the house more." If you complain you don't see them anymore they encourage you to join paddling. For Christmas they want the new Heart Rate Monitor they can attach to their Ipod along with waterproof earphones. And sex? What is that? To summarize this is their priority list 1-Paddling 2-Paddling 3-paddling (2 & 3 may be interchangable) 4-THE BOYZ 5-THE BOYZ 6-Vitamin World/GNC 7-OC Paddler 8-Pegasus Canoe 9-Girlfriend/Wife-Kids. The Lover LOVES paddling to the extreme. So much that if they were to ever get into a car accident and become a parapalegic THE BOYZ will be there to wipe there ass. Or maybe this love or borderline obsession with paddling will somehow heal all. Or heal the world.

#15 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 5:00pm

These are some classic/funny observations.

My favorites-

The second year novice paddler-That is too true. True story-2nd year novice tells coach-everyone in men's program should be video-taped so they can see how horrible they paddle and how awesome he is. So after 2 days of videotaping-coach invites everyone to his house to watch and then invites a neutral coach from top club on Oahu to break it down. 2nd year paddler gets roasted by neutral coach. Classic

The cable guy paddler is great. The guy or gal has paddled with your club for 4 years and you still don't know their name. They just blend in.

The passion that Martha gives in the "Lover" is painfully true and funny. I was wondering if women would know some paddling profiles that men don't even think about or observe-I am sure different personalities come up in all women crews. I can take some guesses, but after the passion Martha showed-I wouldn't want to be off of the mark on my observations of women's crews.

Gadget was the name I was going to give the professor, but the difference is that the professor thinks about and the Gadget is the one who actually has the toys. Also the line about the lust in the eyes of the Gadget as he wipes down OC-1 is too funny.

The other one I was going to write but didn't have time is-

PROFILE: :”Old School”- touched on by Painteur a little with the Luddite-aka-“Keeping it Real”

The old school paddler thinks that carbon fiber is something you put in cereal. The old school paddler will always tell you about how great, better and tougher the paddlers were in the old days. Be careful though-old school paddlers are tough and they have great stories about ramming canoes and flipping other canoes amas. They can paddle a long time without water. They will say things like I did Molokai with one can of Passion Orange and a small piece of dried opelu, and you know what I believe them. Every once in a while an “Old School” paddler will give a look that just scares the crap out of you- They have mana. Also old school paddlers know the lost art of rigging. That can come in real handy when your “Soul Jah” paddler forgets the straps. If it is between old school and psycho- I take old school, because soon we will all be old school.

#16 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:21pm

How 'bout this one- The Hero
-Has won between 5 and eleven Molokai channels
-Still super nice and humble
-Still coaches and helps out club
-Self-made millionaire with hot wife
-Finds time for old, junk paddler friends
-Some people sarchastically call him hero who are just envious
-But he's really just their hero,too
-wears green alot

#17 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:36pm

Goto you forgot to add "abandons fat, out of shape old friend in face of driving thunderstorm while said friend scours beaches searching franticly for hours barefoot in the freeezing rain while fireman kicks it with refinery workers"...

#18 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:46pm

and comes in 60th place in consecutive Molokais...

#19 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 7:48pm

Jeez Jim you got a thing for goto huh? If you wanna make out with him, just tell him.

#20 Tue, 02/06/2007 - 8:48pm

No personal issue on me. It's unfortunate that those type of paddlers exsist. They tend to take away the good that can come from those who put in the training. Do you know of any? Or were you offended?

#21 Wed, 02/07/2007 - 11:11am

Not offended flyama, you just seemed passionate about that description so I thought you had someone specific in mind that you had a problem with . Plus you had specific examples so I thought maybe you were describing someone you paddle with. I agree with you, "losers" suck.

And if I ever get offended on this forum you guys can kick me in the balls. Or I'll kick my own ass.


#22 Wed, 02/07/2007 - 12:07pm

Yeah! It was quite passoniate. I know it's much easier to tell that " loser " to scram or move on else where, but given the poor lame excuse that " loser " puts out there is a sign of " low self esteem. " And to make mention to the individual might not be a positive step to building self esteem. I guess it's one of those, " Let the paddle do the taking and everything else will fall in its palce. " Have a wonderful day Poops.

#23 Wed, 02/07/2007 - 1:32pm

Lot's of negativity. On a more positive note, how about the "bedrock". This person or persons are the backbone of the club. Often, they have deep ties to the club and usually are part of the family that started it. This person may or may not be the best paddler but without a doubt the club would fall apart without them. Every good club has one or several bedrocks and people join the club because of these people.

#24 Wed, 02/07/2007 - 2:17pm

There I was getting a chuckle out of each of the "characters" described in this thread, comparing myself with the personalities (oh-no that's me!) and then, reality check!

Our "Bedrock" is exactly that> The Club would not exist without this person and he will deflect or deny what is fact, that without his Aloha, we would be more than a slightly dis-functional group of Paddling Personalities.
The "bedrock" has given up much of his own personal paddling time, juggling significant life changes, yet he still defuses paddletics and is the voice of reason when club issues are out of whack.
We get to paddle OC-1s together every once in a very long while and I look forward to these "leisurely strolls" for my own selfish makes me feel good to hang out with the "Bedrock".

#25 Thu, 02/08/2007 - 2:06am

Complainer- boy did that hit home. I coached a team of complainers. Bring a workout to paddle long and they wanted to do drills and technique work. Plan a workout for technique and drills and they wanted to paddle long. Switch the workout to long and 15 min in they needed a water break. Complainers always complain about other paddler's technique too. They never pitch in to tow the boats or rig or work on the boats. They want to be in the A boat even if they've missed 75% of the practices. After all, they been paddling for years and "so and so" just started. Granted "so and so" is an accomplished triathlete who works out 20+ hours a week and makes every practice and the complainers might paddle 1 hour a week. Complainers want to be born on third base and claim they hit a triple.

Here is a very rare profile but they do exist....Real Teammate. He/she picks you up when your down. He/She pitches in with towing and rigging. No complaints about who sits where. Real Teammate is focused on supporting the team, even if that means sitting the race out. Real Teammate is just happy to be here. Find a team filled with Real Teammates and it is pure magic.

#26 Mon, 02/12/2007 - 3:23pm

sounds like this one girl on my schools team who i'll leave anonymous. complains about f'n everything and never realizes that its her thats the cause of all these problems and her crew losing. im not putting all the blame on her its just she complains about everyone and never takes time to correct their technique. also she has a bad attitude haha. this is turning out to be more like a grudge comment lol.

#27 Mon, 02/12/2007 - 8:23pm

I know of a "Real Team Mate" and would love to recognize him.

His name is Al Birtles and he is one of our golden masters in Vancouver BC. I coached Al for years and he made coaching a more rewarding experience. In fact, he exemplified the spirit of the whole golden master program and many others followed his example, as I am sure he followed theirs.

Al will steer when asked.
He will paddle when asked.
He is first in the water and helps all his golden master team mates get back.
He will even lift them into the canoe when needed to!
He will always be there to load a trailer.
He will take out the club garbage without being asked.
He will clean up around our canoe and club house without being asked.
He even collects garbage from the water when out paddling.
He pays his fees on time.
He shows up early and leaves when all the jobs are done.

Thanks for being a great Team Mate Al!


#28 Tue, 02/13/2007 - 8:08am

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